


when things get too much

by wonhosguk



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Changkyun/Everyone, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Im Changkyun | I.M-centric, Kihyun - Freeform, Little bit of smut, M/M, Mostly Fluff, Non AU, Poly, Poly Relationship, Polyamory, Romance, Sad Changkyun, Shin Hoseok | Wonho is a Softie, Sickfic, Soft Im Changkyun | I.M, Wonkyun, changki, changkiho, changkyun - Freeform, changkyun and his hyungs, changkyun and kihyun, changkyun loves his hyungs, changkyun needs love, changkyun's not feeling well, doting and worried hyungs, hyung are worried and loving, hyungs look after him, hyungs love changkyun, kiss, mentions of mental health, platonic, polyamarous, sick changkyun, slight angst, soft, wonho - Freeform, wonho and changkyun, wonho and kihyun, wonho changkyun and kihyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-19 22:25:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18979573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonhosguk/pseuds/wonhosguk
Summary: when things get too much, changkyun likes to bury himself under his duvet covers and pretend like he doesn’t exist.however, his hyungs are always there to remind him of how special he is.(a story of changkyun's hyungs loving him and taking care of him when he isn't feeling well)





	when things get too much

When things get too much, Changkyun likes to bury himself under his duvet covers and pretend like he doesn’t exist. It works most of the time, buying himself a few hours of isolation. But sometimes it doesn’t and it’s not long before the door to his studio opens to welcome six older men whom he’s grown incredibly fond of.

Over the years together Changkyun has grown more and more grateful and accepting of their endless love and support, but sometimes all he wants to do after a long day is submerge himself in absolute silence without anyone disrupting him. In fact, the quiet is what he likes the most. In an industry that speaks of mental health in hushed tones, almost as if it doesn’t exist, the quiet is all Changkyun has to fall back on. Perhaps it shouldn’t bother him as much as it does, but doesn’t he have the right to be angry? Why does it have to be such a taboo? Why can’t things be spoken about openly? What bullshit.

When you think you’re feeling a certain way and society tells you that you don’t and it’s not real, it gets hard to wrap your head around which way you’re supposed to be going. It becomes hard to find who you truly are if everyone is screaming at you _NO!_ It feels as if someone is just ripping you in two. Splitting reality from a dream. Tearing apart your identity.

Does he ignore the hollow emptiness and strive to fill it with artificial things as everyone tells him to do? Will that stop his pain? Rip it from him so he’s finally free? Bury it until it disappears?

Because society is always right, _right_?

_No._

Changkyun’s favourite thing is isolation and it appears to him that everyone has started noticing that. With destructive thoughts and a critical eye, everything he looks at these days just seems to be _wrong._ Lyrics that don’t make sense, dance moves he keeps getting wrong, constantly bumping into every piece of furniture cause he’s just so _tired_ \- it might not be the end of the world, but to Changkyun, it just adds to the extensive list of why he feels like he’s a failure.

No matter how many times he feels as if he can finally breathe, the water always comes back to drag him down under, making him gasp and splutters as the air he so severely needs fails to fill his lungs. Because of that, he’d rather be alone. That way there is no one to drag down with him. He’s started to presume that this dark, black cloud that hovers around him will be something that will never leave him. But he’s learning to deal with it. He’s trying his best.

But when will his best start to feel like it’s enough?

All the members get like this sometimes, everyone does at some point in their life. But even when people normally find comfort in that, Changkyun still feels incredibly lonely - as if he’s the only one that can’t stagger his way out of the thick, smothering fog quick enough. He’s accepted that perhaps, he will always be a couple of steps behind, struggling to keep up.

It’s a tiring, repeated cycle he often finds himself in. In the quietness of their dorm, he’s able to have a moment of peace where he can try to find out why he feels this way and what he can do to fix himself.

Step one, he’s realised is to remember that there is nothing to fix because he is _not_ broken. _He is not broken. He does not need to be fixed._ He just needs help sometimes, and there is nothing wrong with that.

In times of solitude, he listens to the calm beat of his heart, working hard to pump the blood around his body. Most times it’s that beating sound of his heart that pulls him from the dark spiral he falls under. Other times, he stares into the flames on lit candles, hoping the answers to his heartache are found in the small flickering flame of warmth.

He sleeps for hours upon hours without even knowing he’s fallen deep. Longer than Hyungwon sleeps, and even that is a hard record to beat. He’s sure he could sleep for _weeks_ if his members stopped checking up on him in his bed every few hours, knowing the maknae was quiet, but not _this_ quiet. He could sleep forever if they just stopped coming to see him in his studio, clambering eagerly like puppies to free him from his chains of misery.

Schedules are always the most exhausting. It’s a well-known fact about the industry. They practise until the early hours of the morning and then wake up three hours later to stumble sleepily into a studio, plastering smiles on their faces as soon as they’re about to film to please those around him. It works as a good distraction for Changkyun at least.

Most of the time, he finds the smile he gives isn’t actually fake. He’s naturally enthusiastic and curious. It’s a rare thing that some mornings he wakes up well rested but _tired._ It’s a clear sign for him that things are getting bad again and he can’t keep swallowing down the bitter emptiness he feels. He can’t complain about being tired when he sleeps fine. He just can’t complain about anything. Many people aren’t as lucky to be doing something they love. Millions would beg to be in his spot so how dare he complain.

During variety shows Changkyun feels himself holding his breath. He offers witty, sarcastic remarks and dances until his body shines with sweat and everything is _too_ hot _\- too_ _uncomfortable._ But sometimes, there are moments where he really enjoys the schedules they’re given. All of them laughing as they share embarrassingly true stories, it helps to relieve the suffocating pressure pressing down on Changkyun’s chest.

Seeing their fans come to support them, love them and praise them, it frustrates him because he wants to do his best, be his best. He always wants to please and if he feels like he isn’t doing that, he will work harder until he’s satisfied with the outcome. Changkyun knows he’s incredibly lucky and deeply loved. He knows this but he just wishes he could be able to feel the entirety of it. It’s a small ember, close to becoming a roaring fire of passion and happiness but it just feels like water is constantly flushing away his chances to feel that emotion he craves.

But looking around at the cheery faces allows himself to feel a little less troubled as genuine compliments and reactions fill the hunger for attention inside him. The comfort he gets from the other hyungs really help - when his mind and body finally allows itself to register their touches, to accept the soft, tender touch of love. It makes him warm. Comfortable.

His heart will forever flutter when the members look out for him and care for him. He expresses his love as best as he can with them. Some days it becomes awkward, but they ignore it, spending as much time as they can in separate groups so they can learn more about the maknae and his mannerisms. They’re genuinely interested, and Changkyun can’t remember the last time he felt so _wanted._

There are still times where he decides to bury his emotions until he breaks, yet he always manages pieces himself back together before the dawn even has the chance of catching up to him. He looks out for everyone the best he can, despite being the youngest. He is one of the most serious and mature people after all, and he’s taken pride in that. He wants to reach out his hand for all eternity, waiting for his hyungs to accept the hand and lean on him. And they do - lean on him, but only if Changkyun, in return, promises to lean on them too.

Changkyun needs someone to lean on. He doesn’t want to keep telling himself that ‘when this happens, I’ll be happy’ he’s tired of feeling like his happiness has to be a ‘someday’.

Luckily, there are always six men waiting with their arms open. A parallel to when Changkyun first met them. Roles reversed, he clambers into their arms quickly every time, whimpering until they shush him with smooth touches.

When this happens, he falls asleep with a smile on his face.

Changkyun gets pampered often and It never fails to surprise him. Their sudden undivided attention always makes him blush furiously. The member’s soft coos don’t help after they see his flushed appearance. Of course, he loves every single bit and laps it all up like a thirsty puppy. He has the best hyungs. How did he get so lucky? Even with the misunderstandings he had to work hard to fight through at the start of their journey together, he had eventually helped in bringing them so closely together, mended the gap that kept them away from him. He wanted them closer to him, to accept him and that’s exactly what they did. It didn’t take much work, and in some circumstances, most of them ended up coming to him instead.

They took the extended hand and fell in love with him. Some platonically, others...not so much. But he’s learning what that means and how to handle it. Even though society says no, Changkyun desperately wants to shout _YES_ . Who cares who he chooses to love. Love has no gender. _Love is just love._ What’s there not to understand?

Monsta X is a team. They’re a family. They have chemistry and It’s a relieving feeling. He remembers the times where he felt completely hopeless. Constantly on edge, distressed, wondering if him being there with them was even worth it in the end.

Changkyun’s glad he stuck with them.

_It was all worth it._

There were plenty of times when his hyungs had no idea when their witty maknae had started to become quieter than usual, started to....fall in the back like a shadow.

Luckily though, with time and their closeness, it’s become somewhat easier to tell when Changkyun is slipping away from reality. When he doesn’t get enough sleep or he sleeps for days and still feels tired, or when he eats too little and complains about these aches and pains that appear for no reason.

On days like those, six pairs of hands come out to gently hold him until the big bad monsters that terrorise him get scared and go back into hiding. But some days the monsters are stubborn. Too stubborn. They don’t let Changkyun sleep, they don’t let him eat. Worst of all, they seem to stop him from feeling as much as he did before.

But there is a bubble of emotion, hot, thick and heavy in his chest. He has the urge to cry, to sob even though there is absolutely nothing to cry about. He’s happy, right? They’ve won plenty of awards lately, and they’ve gotten so popular they even have plans of going on another world tour. So why does he feel like this? Can he be allowed to feel like this? With the sadness clawing at his chest, all he wants to do is howl in disappointment.

He hasn’t felt like this in a while.

When his usual sources of comfort are not there for him, and the night is long, bitter and dark - Changkyun worries. He worries so much it feels as if his heart is going to break from the cage of his ribs and tear up his skin to escape or squeeze itself so hard it will burst right through him. He worries so much the usually warm sticky blood that flows around him turns ice cold yet always leaves his body burning to the touch.

His mind floods with water, so much so that it feels as if he’s drowning, consciousness slipping away from under his feet. It’s a vicious cycle. He reaches the surface at some point, gulps down the air like fish out of water and then always, _always,_ gets yanked back down by a powerful force, sinking deeper and deeper until he reaches the bottomless pit of despair.

When he reaches that place once again, he finds himself chained to an ocean floor of insecurities, worries and doubts.

All completely false and made up, but still feeling so real it causes him to sob uncontrollably. Six bodies find him though, and they hold him tighter than they ever have before, their own hearts beating wildly in worry and pain as if they had run a marathon to find the younger. As if they share the same pain. As if they are connected.

Changkyun thought no one would be able to comfort him, but six men, _six_ _hyungs_ always make the static in his mind quieter, until it’s barely there at all.

 

-

  
**i. hyunwoo/shownu**

 

Changkyun always has his doubts when comeback season is around the corner. All the members do, it’s natural, but to be the one that always helps with writing lyrics and is always being scrutinised and constructively criticised on his choice of words, he can’t help but feel panicked, as if he isn’t working as fast as he should be.

As if he’s falling behind again.

When it feels like everything’s closing in around him and he’s struggling to see straight - that’s when he seeks the comfort of the leader.

Hyunwoo’s a strong person, both inside and out. Even though he is jokingly called a robot, Changkyun knows better from all the times he’s observed the elder quietly. He wonders if Hyunwoo is actually the one that feels the most out of all of them. As the leader, everyone knows the stress that is put on them, the responsibility that weighs them down.

And although Hyunwoo is strong, he is also generous, sweet and most importantly - gentle.

He’s so incredibly gentle that on more than one occasion his touch brings Changkyun close to tears. The way he gently handles him and moves him to the side, or brings him closer to him for more screen time and a soft cuddle, it always leaves Changkyun feeling lighter.

So in these times, when he can’t see where he’s going as the road is so incredibly dark, he searches for Hyunwoo’s open arms and warm embrace. It’s an awkward fumble of limbs whenever they're together, never quite knowing what the other wants, but sometimes, it’s so easy no words need to be communicated. Changkyun doesn’t show his weakness often, but it’s something that Changkyun knows his hyung is slowly trying to change. He knows that he wants him to be burden free, to act like a child because really, he still is one whether he likes it or not.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out how lonely and distressed he gets on some days. Hyunwoo knows about his childhood and how it was pretty stressful having to go from place to place, never quite having friends long enough to call his own, but here, in the dorms, in the comfort of his hyung’s open arms, Changkyun feels at home.

Hyunwoo hopes Changkyun feels like he has a family that he can finally call his. Because that’s what they are, a family. _Changkyun is theirs just as much as they are his._

And of course, Hyunwoo deeply wishes he could erase the scars left from no mercy, but over time, and millions of insightful conversations later, they have all grown from that... _experience_ . The scars from then are soft and shiny now, almost completely forgotten on the skin. Changkyun was _never_ blamed and instead of the younger getting angry at them, he just understood their emotions in a way Hyunwoo doesn’t think he ever could have if he was in the maknae’s position. It makes him realise just how lucky they got. Not only was their maknae talented, but he was just so pure, so straightforward and so understandingly mature.

Maybe that’s what makes them a great pair. Changkyun’s maturity is just something that seems endless. The younger is so worryingly dark sometimes, too young to be as mature as he is. But it’s not something that needs to be fixed. He’ll love the younger all the same, he just wishes he would share his problems so it will be easier for him.

He prays for the younger’s heart to become a little lighter, for him to be more open. Not just with him, but with all the members. He wants the younger to share his worries, wants to carry his burdens with him. If one is in pain, mentally or physically, they all feel as if they share that same pain.

Changkyun is not his worries or pain. He’s an exceptionally bright individual that comes up with unique ideas. Changkyun is not his illness and the hyungs understand that of course they do. Some days are harder than others. They always will be. Not everything is fucking sunshine and rainbows. He’d be foolish to think so.

Changkyun is so dark sometimes it opens his eyes to so many different perspectives and viewpoints. Not everyone is lucky enough to get a maknae that’s so indescribably unique. The darkness, it balances well with the light side of him.

Their maknae has always had this air of maturity around him. An old soul they would joke, but it didn’t feel like a joke at all. Yes, he’s young but sometimes it feels as if Changkyun’s lived through a thousand lives before, lived through the same, devastating outcome. Seen a thousand things no one should ever see. Watched as everyone leaves until he stands alone.

Hyunwoo notices this. Changkyun always looks as if he has something weighing him down, something heavy inside. But he sees how Changkyun gradually gets lighter, cuts the strings of his burdens, _letting them go._ In return, it made him feel lighter too.

Changkyun hurts just like the rest of them, and although they want to help as much as they can, they want to do so without being overbearing. For Hyunwoo, if Changkyun’s letting him hold him just for this one night, he would do anything in his power to make sure he doesn’t waste the opportunity. He praises their puppy until he’s squirming with embarrassment and softness. Hyunwoo would do it all day and night if he could.

So even if it’s for one night, Hyunwoo would do anything to make sure their maknae feels exactly like that, _a maknae_ . A carefree, bubbly, free-spirited maknae that has no troubles. The maturity is nice, refreshing at times, but it can’t beat that inexpressible feeling when they witness Changkyun acting all cute and giggly. It can’t be like that all the time, not for all of them, but they cherish the moments where everything just feels... _light_.

_Free._

Hyunwoo is easily affected by Changkyun’s soft affection, heart pumping faster than ever before whenever he snuggles up with him and releases a soft sigh of contentment. It’s not all that rare these days, with everyone getting closer, building their friendships higher, but... _damn._

There’s something so indescribable about gaining the younger’s attention. Every single time Changkyun just sits down next to him and wraps a hand around his arm to snuggle close, it sends a shocking warmth through him. He’s always had a desire for skinship, so this is nothing new. He’s different from the stereotypical maknae. Some of them adore skinship, others think of it as a threat to their masculinity or something silly, ending up jokingly pushing their hyungs away.

_[ Changkyun loves little touches more than he likes to admit. It makes him feel more confident in his skin. He thrives on the attention and the warmth under their fingertips. It sends this electricity through him. Needy. He’s generally needy. The member’s welcomed it after the younger had opened up a bit like they were waiting for a scared, hurt kitten left on the side of the road to stumble clumsily towards them, longing for warmth. They selfishly hoped Changkyun was always like this, taking in the moments where he is clingy and treasuring them._

_Changkyun’s just scared that if he always acts this clingy, he’ll become annoying. He doesn’t want that, doesn’t think it would actually happen when his hyungs actually smile the brightest when he’s the cutest and happiest. Sadly, the pity party inside rages on. ]_

Hyunwoo is so fond of Changkyun that he’ll allow him to do anything and get away with it. Biting his arms? His thighs? His chest? Sure. Sometimes the other’s watch on, fondness apparent in their smiles but Hyunwoo doesn’t have time to pay attention to them, not when Changkyun’s eyes are twinkling in mischief, brighter than all the stars in the night sky.

It’s a warmth that Hyunwoo never wants to disappear, even if this unusually clingy, sleepy Changkyun latches onto his arm for one night. All Hyunwoo can do is press a long, tender kiss to the younger’s cheek, smiling fondly at his little whine.

He secretly wishes for every night to be exactly like this one.

  
  
  
  
**ii. hoseok/wonho**

 

When Changkyun wakes up one morning, his eyes feel sticky and heavy, as if they had been superglued shut. They’re a struggle to open, but when they do everything is blurry and unfocused. He blinks a few times and lets his eyes adjust. He’s warm, comfortable and his head is not on a pillow, but something comfier. God, he’s so warm he’s tempted to close his eyes again. But instead, he lets out a quiet yawn and begins to move, only to have a strong arm hold his body impossibly closer to a sturdy chest.

He’s in Hoseok’s arms. He’s in his hyung’s arms and it feels nice.

A strange feeling blooms in his chest, a fluttering sensation he hasn’t felt in a long time. He’s spent a long time repressing these feelings. It’s been a struggle, but he caged it in. Every now and again Changkyun catches himself and stumbles over the intense emotions as they roar from behind the bars of the cage. Over and over he repeated that he just respects his hyung, enjoys his company. But there was no doubting what he felt. No doubting there was something more to it than respect.

Changkyun knew the feeling too well. _Hope. A less platonic kind of love._

That’s what it feels like. All the time. Suffocating and just _there._ It’s always there, reminding him why he isn’t like everyone else he comes across in the world.

With this feeling comes a tremendous amount of guilt. Lying here, doing nothing, it reminds him on the night before when he forgot to help Kihyun with the dishes, forgot to finish off writing lyrics to their new songs, forgot to say goodnight to his hyungs. He forgot it all and he can’t stop this icy feeling that claws into his neck and threatens to rip apart his flesh.

Doing nothing means that the crushing loneliness finally has a moment to catch up to him, pushing its way into his skin and burrowing inside his crumbling heart.

Hoseok notices the younger’s stirring and can hear his quiet mumbling, so he decides to hug the maknae tighter in his arms to comfort him. Maybe even rock him back to sleep. In the end, Hoseok turns Changkyun over gracefully so they face each other, moving the younger’s body with no difficulty whatsoever, making Changkyun’s heart flutters he nestles into his chest and inhales his fresh scent.

For some reason, Changkyun can’t bring himself to open his eyes, not when he knows Hoseok is looking directly at him, can feel the way his eyes burn into his skin, scanning over him, tracing the dips in his collarbones with gentle fingers. His hyung is always so gentle, so sensitive, eyes full of such fond, true emotion that always has a way of making the younger spill everything he feels. _Makes him feel so loved._

Hoseok has that ability and it terrifies Changkyun how deep his hold on him is. He’s such a warm character that Changkyun can’t help but feel so incredibly safe in his embrace. Hoseok contains so much emotion in his body that he might burst in any second. Every emotion is written on his handsome face, concerned mapped out across the constellation of freckles, etched into his skin.

So Changkyun knows as soon as he opens his eyes, he will be met with a completely open and raw Hoseok, waiting patiently for an explanation Changkyun doesn’t think he has the strength to give. He doesn’t want to be any more of a burden than he already feels like he is. He’s convinced himself that he’s as mature as his hyungs are now, no longer the small, shy, awkward boy that his hyungs doted on. Changkyun, of course, soaked in the attention like a sponge, allowing his confidence and health to soar.

But when did he feel like he stopped needing that? Had he ever stopped needing it?

Changkyun’s positive he can sort his problems out on his own. He’s independent down to the very end. He’ll continue to be like that even if he feels like he’s drowning every minute of every day. He would never forgive himself if he was to drag his hyung’s down to the deepest, darkest depths of his mind and trap them there with him.

But he knows eventually, at some point in the future, he will have to become vocal about the heavy discomfort he feels in his mind. Hoseok will listen to him, will sympathise and offer advice. His hyung’s love won't fix the problem because love isn’t some sort of special cure. However, perhaps it will help him just a little - having someone that can just listen.

Every time he’s like this with Hoseok, he feels the honest, blunt and straightforward emotion of him begging to spill all his darkest thoughts. All Changkyun needs to do is be more vocal about how he feels because his hyungs can’t always tell when he needs support. It’s getting better to figure out, but they can never be perfect. Changkyun knows that. Like a deer when it firsts tries to walk, they stumble and stagger together until they are stable.

Everyone stumbles sometimes. Even when they’re adults.

When he opens his eyes, his breath hitches at the sight of Hoseok’s watering eyes. They don’t even need to say anything, they never have to when they’re together. Their eyes say it all, their actions do too. Their souls connect and a unique warmth is shared between them. It becomes apparent that between them, actions are louder than words. Hoseok bundles Changkyun in his arms again, cups his pale cheeks with his hands and presses a soft, gentle kiss to his forehead that leaves the younger’s cheeks flushed and ears tinted a rosy-pink colour.

Hoseok giggles and so does Changkyun.

If there is one thing Changkyun likes the most about Hoseok, it’s his caring nature. Hoseok is the one who often gets the most lonely and it’s normally Changkyun, the one who sits and listens more than contributes, that knows when the elder switches and needs more affection. So laying down this close, together, breathing softly on each other’s cheeks at dawn, there’s an incredible softness that tugs at Changkyun’s heartstrings. He wonders if Hoseok feels it too, this sad yet hopeful feeling.

_It hurts._

All it takes is one look and suddenly they’re clinging onto each other again, tightly holding, afraid to let go and face their truths. Hoseok buries his face into Changkyun’s neck and the younger cries into the elder’s soft hair. He hates himself for it, but the pain in his chest is lessening. Just a little, but it’s becoming easier to breathe. When Changkyun feels weak and alone, he tries to tell himself that it’s okay, but it never really does feel _okay._ He’s scared he will never feel okay again.

It’s truly the scariest thing of all. Like he’s dug himself so deep he worries he won’t be able to find the light again. But Hoseok, he just seems to know, seems to share his pain and worries.

When they both reluctantly pull apart from each other, Hoseok laughs quietly, sniffling as he wipes the tears from Changkyun’s cheeks with the back of his hands, holding his cheeks softly, as if the younger would break under his touch. He sees hundreds of emotions dancing in the watery, caramel brown eyes looking at him.

With the painfully loving look from his hyung, Changkyun can’t stop his tears from flowing faster. It’s a heart-wrenching thing, watching each other cry.  Although they can breathe a little better than before, and their chests feel lighter, it’s still a bitterly sad moment. Their eyes hold a slight twinkle under the moonlight, and for a moment it seems as if time stops for them. Hoseok cups the younger’s cheeks and presses a kiss to his forehead, his cheeks, his nose, and lastly, his lips.

The soft press to his lips doesn’t shock Changkyun as much as it should do but instead flusters him in so many ways, confuses him greatly. There’s a heat that burns low in his stomach, stirring awake inside as Hoseok gently places him in his lap, brings him closer to him as they kiss passionately, albeit a little sloppily as fatigue makes their limbs weak, but it’s sweet and slow. Perfect.

There are no sparks, no fireworks like everyone says there is, but there’s a pull, a heavy, strong pull that refuses to break them apart. Changkyun feels himself falling deeper and deeper until they have to separate for air, panting breathlessly.

Hoseok doesn’t look panicked, scared or anxious, he looks calm. Relaxed. Happy. Changkyun doesn’t know what else to do to express his muted delight except laugh, press their foreheads together and _laugh_ . He’s just... _wow_ . _What more can he say?_ He can’t think straight, feeling the elder’s thigh underneath his own, hands on his waist. It’s almost too much yet also not enough. He wants more but knows he needs less.

Hoseok senses the confusion running rampage in the younger’s glistening eyes and shifts them so they lie back down together, giggling at the younger’s whimper and loss of heat. But they need a talk, a real, proper, serious one before they move any further.

And they do that, probably all night. Hoseok explains things as he calms Changkyun down with soft caresses. They talk for what feels like hours until exhaustion coaxes them into a deep slumber. They’re closer than ever in more ways than one, legs tangled like vines, hearts beating in sync, hands remaining clasped together tightly. They’re desperate not to let go of the other even in sleep. Changkyun’s heart feels messy, head too, full of static and a jumble of thoughts, but speaking out to Hoseok almost mutes the noise for a while. Makes him feel just a little less disorganised.

Gives him the chance to catch up and breathe.

And although it might take a while for the love Changkyun feels for Hoseok to flood back to him sometimes, for now he takes shelter in the warmness he feels for him, knowing that they will make it out of this dark path, together. From here on out, things can only go up.

Things aren’t perfect, not at all, they might never be. Things are painful, raw and scary - but they have each other. No, they can’t find a cure in love, love is not a cure, but it’s a start to _something._

_Something better._

And for them, that’s perfect enough.

  


**iii. minhyuk**

 

First thing Minhyuk notices when he wakes up is the lack of warmth next to him. Normally Changkyun would be there, curled up beside him, holding him tightly as he does in his sleep, but no one is there to greet the morning with him.

He worries. And as the mood-maker of the group with endless positivity and energy, he tries his best to keep everyone happy and cheerful. He knows it doesn’t always work, not everyone can be happy 24/7 but he tries his best.

However, for a few weeks now, Changkyun has been irregular with his sleeping patterns. Minhyuk hears him get up at early hours, walking around before everything becomes eerily quiet. When the younger finally returns, he always sounds like he’s sniffling before he’s climbing back into bed, the deafening silence returning.

Changkyun either spends extra hours at dance practice or vocal practice, but also hours upon hours of time spent in a small box room working on lyrics. To Minhyuk, Changkyuns sudden disappearance in the dorm feels more like an excuse to avoid them rather than to work and improve on his skills. Nothing’s the same when he isn’t there with them all.

His suspicions of Changkyun’s attitude are confirmed when he doesn’t join them to watch a movie. Instead, the younger only brushes off their suggestions quickly, saying how he’s just really tired and wants to sleep. They all understood though, some days people just want to sleep more than socialise. But it was the look in his eyes, the emotionless stare through them all that made Minhyuk’s stomach churn with sickness.

He knows it’s bad again.

But it’s been days since he’s heard almost a full sentence leave the younger’s mouth. His lack of presence is starting to affect them all. Without Changkyun being as active as he usually is, everything feels off. He’s too subdued.  Like someone has just pressed mute on him. Minhyuk didn’t like that one bit. Not at all. What was the point of anything if his members weren’t smiling? Weren’t happy?

It breaks his heart the most when their youngest isn’t 100%. Even if he’s known for not being the most vocal, whenever Minhyuk is with him, it’s like he slowly but surely brings the younger out of that shell he holds himself in. Bit by bit, Changkyun opens up more every day, gets used to his hyung’s naturally touchy nature and accepts every single bit of him, even the most annoying, most saddeningly upsetting sides to him.

Changkyun accepts everyone wordlessly, bringing them all into his bubble of safety. So in return, the others do the same. But now, it feels as if Changkyun has shoved them all out and they just stand defeated and homeless. All the progress they have made has just disappeared.

It had always come back though, weeks or months later, like nothing happened at all.

Changkyun feels disoriented and fuzzy when Minhyuk finds him in bed. He’s spaced out, looking at nothing when Minhyuk comes closer, and slips under the covers with the younger, who blinks slowly at him, like he’s only just seen him there. It’s impossible to be so glum around a radiant person, but Changkyun isn’t affected by the sunlight today. Everything is just...lifeless.

He didn’t feel in control, so Minhyuk guides him gently. He talks for a while, he doesn’t know how long, but he talks about random things, like what happened that day, something in the news, something online, _anything_ until he feels the younger’s body shake in laughter at his ridiculous stories, relieved to find a glimpse of a smile on his tired face.

Minhyuk was easily able to tell when Changkyun had reached his limit. When the pure exhaustion took hold of him and chained him to his bed. He couldn’t blame the younger for being such a workaholic as he is guilty of the same thing. It’s just that Changkyun works too hard as if he still needs to prove himself. Like he hasn’t given enough already.

They all know Changkyun had earned his spot here through talent, and Minhyuk always reminds him of that, especially in these times. Minhyuk holds him tighter, presses kisses to his flushed cheeks and tells him how special and great he is, hoping it penetrates through his heart and reaches his soul.

The younger cries at the compliments eventually and Minhyuk cries with him.

“Thank you, hyung,” Changkyun murmurs, burrowing into his neck and Minhyuk exhales a shaky breath, cuddling closer to him, glad that Changkyun had become more responsive than before. Heartbeat strong and steady.

“No, thank _you_ Kyunnie, for being the best little puppy dongsaeng we could have ever asked for.”

 

**iiii. kihyun**

 

Kihyun knows something is wrong when the younger hardly talks when he eats with them at dinner.

It’s a normal, routinely thing between them where at a similar time each night, they come home from a gruelling practice and take it in turns to help (mostly annoy) Kihyun in the kitchen as they make dinner for themselves.

Arguably, Kihyun felt that they were probably one of the closest pairs in the group, mostly because he would always look out for him, Changkyun returning the favour. They were always happy to take care of each other at any time, it was something that came naturally to them. It was easy for them to seek comfort in the other.

Normally when they sit down, all together, the room is filled with loud munching and funny jokes as they find the time to honestly talk with one another, catching up even though they spend almost every minute of the day together. Albeit true, they don't really get the chance to talk about themselves when all this world of producing and being a perfect idol is shoved down their throats. Respected opinions surface, scary matters get discussed and they wonder how to better the world around them with the influence they have.

They talk as if they were a group of teenagers with beers in their hands and not a worry in sight. It makes a pleasant atmosphere. They talk about how lonely they are, opening up about experiences with whomever, men or women, both, none at all. Most of them are very open and expressive some days. But there’s always one that doesn’t speak up much and just simply observes. Changkyun loves to observe and listen and figure out why his hyungs think the ways they do so he can communicate with them better.

But even though their maknae offers opinions and suggestions (always extremely smart and logical ones) quietly than the rest of them, Kihyun’s noticing a distinct lack of Changkyun tonight. It’s not the same. They need him and his humour, his wit, his kindness. Changkyun is the least judgemental and most open-minded out of the lot of them which makes him slot together well with any one of them. He just _fits._ Snug and warm and perfect.

Kihyun remembers the texts he had exchanged with the younger earlier, blunt and short. He tried to carry on a conversation but most of the time he was receiving texts from Changkyun saying how he will stay at the studio for a while and they shouldn’t wait up for him to return. No matter how many times Kihyun has waited up for him in the past, excessive worrying, the younger never came back to the dorm until the early morning, looking incredibly exhausted and sick.

Not the kind of sick that was easily noticeable though. The kind where it simmers quietly yet is extremely painful. The type that burns from the inside out, takes weeks to manifest and years to cure. Invisible and exhausting.

That’s when Kihyun knew for sure that something was wrong.

He’s learnt that Changkyun is the type of person who likes to keep his weak side to himself until it gets too much for him to handle and he shatters and falls. Alone. After all the years they’ve spent together it becomes increasingly frustrating to always know the younger’s hurting until it’s too late and their maknae is just  _there_ until one day he _i_ _sn’t_ anymore. Changkyun is there, but he’s also elsewhere, trapped in the endless maze of his mind.

Kihyun aches to know that the younger isn’t feeling okay and just won’t let others in easily to help him up when he falls. It’s not that Changkyun trusts them all, he does, but his stubbornness defeats almost all of their encouraging words to seek any of them out when he needs someone to talk to. On some occasions, he does sit with them, one by one or all together, and they talk for hours, getting everything they need to say out on the table just so they all understand.

Changkyun doesn’t want their sympathy, he just wants  _them._ Wants to be around them, wants to cuddle, just wants to be silent so he can think. Wants to take in their love until he can finally feel things agaim. The members aren’t strangers to Changkyun’s change in moods. They know him well enough to tell when he’s more tired than usual, when he’s sick or when he’s hurting. He hides it well, but his eyes tell them everything they need to know. Kihyun just wishes he would open himself up more. Wishes that he could get rid of all the younger’s negativity with a snap of his fingers but it doesn’t work like that.

His love can’t magically fix everything. _If only it were that easy._

But he loves Changkyun, no matter what mood he’s in. He’ll always be ready to take care of him, no questions asked. It just pains him that he can’t do anything to wipe the tired look from the younger’s eyes, can’t soften the furrow of his brows, can’t make him look younger like he’s supposed to.

Changkyun is still a young adult, and Kihyun would be damned if he couldn’t treat him as such. Changkyun deserves their love and support, deserves their shoulders to lean on when things get tough. Just like all the times where Changkyun has been there for each of them. In turn, the younger needs to be spoiled just as much. Needs all the love in the world for being such a caring, understanding dongsaeng even when the younger believes he doesn’t deserve it at all.

But no matter how many times they repeat the question, _“Please Kyunnie, you can tell us anything, okay?”_ Changkyun always resorts to shutting himself off in times where he needs someone the most.

it’s not that Changkyun doesn’t trust them because he does. They’re not just a team, but a family. There’s a special bond that runs deep between them. They can all feel it as if they were all soulmates connected by one red string, but sometimes Changkyun becomes blind to this feeling and he shuts it off. Shuts them off. He doesn’t really mean to do it, it just happens and he can’t snap himself out of it.

It gets to a point where Kihyun is so frustrated he thinks of chaining the younger to his bed as a final act of desperation. He doesn’t do it, of course, because it won’t help the situation at all. But with the next free day they have, he forms a plan in his mind.

He can’t keep worrying like this and let Changkyun suffer in silence.

So he does the next best thing. He wakes up earlier than normal, not able to go back to sleep and isn’t surprised to find the younger is half awake, being a light sleeper has its advantages and its disadvantages, Kihyun knows.

Changkyun offers him a weak smile, looking at him through half open eyes, blinking slowly as he pulls back the covers so Kihyun can slip in the bed beside him, holding him close. They don't get time to just laze around in the mornings often, so Kihyun takes full advantage of the moment, stroking Changkyun's hair softly as they just relax in the other's presence. Kihyun presumes it's just one of those mornings where the younger needs to ground himself. To keep someone close to remind himself that he is _there_ , in the dorm with everyone else. He isn't alone. The slow and steady heartbeat he can hear through Kihyun's chest is perfect at reminding him of that.

For a few minutes, they silently appreciate the other's company, almost falling back asleep before Kihyun remembers his plan for the morning and suddenly gets up, causing the younger to jerk awake, clearly disorientated by the sudden movement, whining as he goes to bury himself back into the duvet.

Kihyun just presses his fingers to his lips and ushers Changkyun out of the cocoon they've made from a duvet and multiple blankets, chuckling softly at his perplexed expression. It doesn’t take him long to guide the half-asleep maknae over to the sofa after he allows him to bring as many blankets as he wants, mouth salivating at the sight of food Kihyun prepared the night before suddenly laid out in front of him, the delicious scent making his stomach growl loudly. Changkyun hangs his head low in embarrassment, cheeks flushed as Kihyun only laughs and cuddles up closely next to him again, pulling the table towards them. He hands the younger chopsticks and tells him to eat as much as he can stomach. He's noticed Changkyun has lost weight over the weeks and he isn't happy. CHangkyun was fine the way he was, looked healthy. Kihyun strongly wants to see him like that again.

Changkyun is slow to eat at first, blinking the sleepiness away, still heavily confused about the entire situation of seeing all his favourite meals set out before him. Kihyun is quick though to reassure him and simply tells him to eat. So he does. Changkyun croaks out a small thank you, suddenly emotional with all the effort going into making sure he’s fed so early. Normally he would feel guilty, and he does, a little, there are still ebbs of that emotion there, but Kihyun is already so many steps ahead, telling him how he wanted to do this because he loves him and not because the younger was a burden. He could never be. _He chose to do this because he loves him._ That's enough for Changkyun to shovel in food to distract him from spilling the tears he's struggling to hold in. He snuggles impossibly closer to Kihyun as they sit and turn the tv on, making sure the volume is low so it doesn’t wake the others in the dorm. Kihyun doubts anything will wake them up this early. But with the younger so close, he needs something as a distraction so his heart doesn’t burst out of his chest. 

Changkyun can be so effortlessly cute. It's a charm everyone doubts Changkyun realises he has. 

For Kihyun, there is nothing more satisfying than seeing Changkyun’s cheeks stuffed full of food, a healthy pink blush on his cheeks. He looks happier, healthier, younger. There’s a genuine smile overtaking the younger's features as he munches on large amounts of rice and sushi, eyes wide and curious as he focuses his attention on the tv screen. Kihyung can feel him melt into his touch. It’s quiet for a while with them munching on their food, enjoying the comfortable atmosphere. Kihyun doesn’t comment on how Changkyun is feeling even though he’s worried and has so many questions. Changkyun appreciates the silence though, appreciates the warm shoulder and the even warmer embrace.

Once he’s eaten as much as possible without Kihyun trying to get him to eat more, the elder’s satisfied and presses a sloppy kiss to the younger’s cheek, chest rumbling in laughter as the younger just groans and whines. He rubs his hand up and down the younger’s arm, whispering praises that make the younger’s heart flutter. It’s almost too much for Changkyun, all this sudden affection, and it brings him close to tears, head hung low as a deep emotion takes control of him. He feels something hot and wet against his cheeks. Tears. They slide down his cheeks, slowly and then all at once, an unstoppable tsunami released onto Kihyun’s chest.

Suddenly surprised by the younger’s tears, Kihyun tries his best to console the younger with gentle praises. Changkyun is comforted by the elder’s hand rubbing his back.

_Changkyun loves Kihyun. So much._

It’s no surprise Kihyun’s heart painfully constricts at the younger’s tears, biting his lips to stop them from quivering, eyes glossing over with unshed tears, hating seeing the younger so vulnerable and upset. So...lost. He decides then and there he would happily take Changkyun’s pain as his own. Would rather have himself be the one that’s upset. But again, _that’s not how it works_ , and voicing that would only make Changkyun feel worse than he already does. _Guilty and disgusting_. Kihyun could never think of their beautiful Changkyun in that way, but he understands that sometimes there is a roaring ache in the younger’s heart and static in his mind.

Changkyun is achingly beautiful, but his pain is strong and threatening and it takes over him on some days. Paralyses him. There’s nothing pretty about his loud sobs, his red and blotchy face, bloodshot eyes and puffy eyelids. There’s nothing pretty about his shuddering breaths as he struggles to breathe, his pained chokes and gasps. It’s pain in all its misery and heartbreak. It’s anxiousness in all its strength covering Changkyun with its forceful waves, snatching the breath from his lungs.

_There’s nothing pretty about his pain._

Kihyun places a finger under the younger’s chin and brings his head up gently, wiping away Changkyun’s tears as best as he can with his sleeve, watching as the younger’s bottom lip quivers and he sniffles pitifully, but Kihyun just hushes his whimpers away with the softest of kisses to his lips, waiting until the younger’s eyes flutter open again to pull him close and fiddle with the strands of his hair, holding the one he loves close to his heart.

Changkyun wraps his arms around him, breathing in his hyung’s comforting scent. He doesn’t want to let go.

“You know it’s okay to struggle sometimes Changkyun? We’ll always be here for you, _I’ll_ always be here for you. As a hyung and as someone who loves you,” Changkyun grows silent, sniffling every so often as Kihyun continues.

“You don’t have to speak, but please, if you’re ever feeling bad again, just come and sit with me, I can just hold you, we can play games, you can sleep, _cry_ , whatever you want, okay? Just tell us so we can give you as much space as you need.”

And there it is, the rough laugh that rips its way out from Changkyun’s throat. “You’re so silly hyung,” His chest hurts. _He feels okay. He fucking finally feels okay._ “As long as I’m with you, I don’t care what we do, just having you here with me is enough,”

It’s true. It’s love in all its weirdness and spontaneity. Changkyun feels warm.

“Ya!” Kihyun whisper-shouts, biting his lip to stifle a laugh. “Who on earth taught you to be that cheesy?” His heart pounds furiously, but his hold on the younger is as tight as it always will be.

Changkyun giggles, a real, knowing smile appearing on his face. The smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes but Kihyun knows he’s okay. Knows he loves him so much. He will give Changkyun as much time as he needs. The love between them is easy. Natural. “Actually hyung, you taught me-”

Kihyun shuts him up quickly with another kiss. They both giggle as they break apart, noses practically touching as they fall asleep to the rhythmic sound of their heartbeats. Alive and well. Hoseok eventually wakes up and joins them both later, snuggling between them with a lazy smile tugging his lips up as he kisses them both. Their hearts just seem to know what to do, wrapping around each other like vines, automatically doing it, knowing how to connect to each other and bring them closer. But the vines aren’t suffocating. Not at all.

Changkyun’s able to breathe easier than before with the two people he loves closer to him. 

 

 

 

**iiiii. Hyungwon**

 

Hyungwon isn’t emotionless, he just has trouble expressing what he’s feeling.

When it comes to Changkyun, he feels too much. The younger is almost always on his mind, and no matter how much he distances himself with these thoughts, they always come back to him eventually.

It’s easier for the others to connect to Changkyun though and it makes him upset. But that’s because they weren’t the ones that pushed the younger away for weeks. It wasn’t on purpose, that’s what he tells himself. Their friendship just didn’t happen as quickly as the others did.

Except now, Hyungwon craves for the intimacy the others have with their maknae. He wants the cuddles, the long nights talking about everything or nothing at all. He just wants Changkyun. Hyungwon isn’t emotionless and that’s evident in the way his eyes linger on the younger as soon as he gets back to the dorm. Unlike normal Changkyun, the younger heads straight to his room to sleep instead of sitting around or working on something else.

Changkyun is always moving, he notices. He moves in little ways, focusing on one project and then heading off to do another. But he worries if Changkyun keeps moving the way he is he might tire himself out completely.

It seems like today is that day.

Changkyun was quiet all the way home, nothing new there but he was just...expressionless. No jokes or laughter tumbled out of him. The younger didn’t always have something to say, they all were like that at some point, but today even the silence of Changkyun was far too quiet. Too subdued. Everything was too quiet and Hyungwon absolutely hated it.

Their relationship had developed dramatically over the years. He knew his words were borderline the harshest out of anyone’s during No Mercy, but he had made sure to apologise profusely after it was discussed, saying how at that moment he was heated, confused, angry. Things were personal and stressful. He was too emotional then.

He’s not now.

But Changkyun understood. He always just understood. It surprised them all. If they were in Changkyun’s position, they knew they would hold a grudge, and the younger had every right to do so because of the way he was treated, but the younger just shrugged his shoulders and handled the situation with a heavy degree of maturity.

Needless to say, they were all definitely enamoured with the younger after that. Changkyun has always been dripping in fondness and maturity. The perfect balance between being serious and playful. Cute and mature. Not like the typical maknae.

From that moment on the hyungs knew they were gifted someone special.

However, today Changkyun is like a ghost. Hyungwon hates how it reminds him of the pre-debut days. The lowest of lows for all of them, struggling to dismiss the awkwardness that choked them, that weighed their shoulders down like a thick black coat.

It took some time and coaxing, but they made it work. They found out rather quickly that Changkyun suited them all well. He fit well. Like he was made for them all. It was a relief, really.

But today Changkyun won’t talk to them, seemingly elsewhere, like his mind has just taken a vacation. They call out for him and receive grumbles. Clearly not in a talkative mood, they give him some space. Everyone except Hyungwon.

He doesn’t know the extent of Changkyun’s emotions, but Hyungwon can tell by the stagger in his step and the bruises underneath his eyes that the younger isn’t faring so well. That’s when he thinks of taking matters into his own hands.

He sticks close to Changkyun all day.

The younger falls sleepy around midday, during their hectic schedule. Everyone sends concerned looks Changkyun’s way but the younger’s so out of it he doesn’t recognise it. He’s clearly so observant, learning how to take care of his hyungs that it seems like he’s forgotten how to take care of himself.

That hurts Hyungwon most of all. It’s no secret they all dote on their maknae, always in awe at his wisdom and perception. He might be the youngest in the group, but that doesn’t stop him from thinking like one of the oldest. There are times where he really doesn’t act like his age, and they all have to swallow down their ‘hyung’ when they go to address Changkyun, momentarily forgetting that he is, in fact, younger than them and probably feels the stress more, despite not voicing his concerns.

Changkyun is so observant he’s one of the first to spot when someone is feeling down, knowing to act more playful in the moment to make the air around them light. He purposely acts more childish and adorable in the hopes of making the others smile. He knows how to deal with the members well. But when it comes to himself? It’s a different story.

They can all learn a lot from someone like Changkyun.

Hyungwon has learnt to be more observant of their youngest and his moods. And he can tell, even though Changkyun has walked off to go to sleep, he wants someone with him. All day there had been a fluttering touch to his leg, his arm, his face. Changkyun needs someone to be with him. Not to watch over him like a baby, but to just comfort him until he’s better. Until that empty void inside feels less empty. If it ever will.

Hyungwon worries that changkyun thinks that he doesn’t give enough to them still. Even though Changkyun has given and given and given, has opened his arms and his heart out for so many years. He’s so selflessly given these massive chunks of himself, offered them with a smile that Hyungwon worries that Changkyun has only left a little piece for himself, desperately trying to contain all the joy and happiness and trying to avoid the sadness that’s unavoidable.

The younger is their core. The piece that holds them all together. Hyungwon can’t bear watching Changkyun rip pieces of his heart out to give them when he needs it for himself. It hurts him to put it all into words, to think it through like this. How does he tell the younger all of this? In his head, his thoughts jumble the words together, but he hopes in the comfortable silence him and Changkyun find themselves in, the younger can somehow read his mind and feel the gratitude come off of him in waves.

Hyungwon is so thankful for Changkyun and h just wishes he was good at expressing that to the younger in person instead of cowardly hiding behind his emotions and thoughts, trapping them in his mind when he so fervently wants to say them to the younger. He wants to reassure him. Changkyun always does so well, despite not getting things the first try. He practices and practices, truly focusing on one thing, determined to the very end.

Hyungwon is always left in awe at Changkyun’s abilities. His raw determination. His passion. He’s sure that if the younger puts his mind to it, there is nothing he cannot do.

All day they communicate with their eyes and brief touches on their shoulders and necks. At night, Changkyun slips in beside him in bed, tracing the outline of his jaw, humming under his breath. Changkyun knows how to deal with him, knows all the methods that help him fall asleep. His scent doesn’t jumble the thoughts in his mind but instead clears them, rearranges them so he can find them better than before.

Changkyun is so helpful. Hyungwon is eternally grateful.

So he pulls the younger closer, conveying all the love and passion he holds inside his tiny body, hoping it passes through to Changkyun. And it does, in so many ways. The love settles over his heart like a warm blanket. So much so he’s surprised at the tears he lets out, voice choked up. Hyungwon is quick to wipe them away, shushing his shaking body with sweet praises.

Changkyun doesn’t think he can ever get used to this.

“Our kkukkungie is tired, right? He must be,” Hyungwon coos, “It’s been a long day hmm?”

Changkyun’s cries become quieter and quieter as he swallows down the words Hyungwon whispers into his ears, voice smooth and light as Changkyun lets it wash over him, leaving a pleasant hum to run through his body. He’s being cared for like a baby, but Hyungwon’s voice isn't condescending or patronising, it’s full of comfort and support, a soothing hand in his hair that makes his eyes flutter shut. He loves this. Doesn’t realise how much he’s missed it.

Hyungwon keeps his hand in his hair until Changkyun falls asleep, wrapped up in his hold. All he feels is this gratefulness that the younger trusts him enough to let him sleep with him in his little nest. Like a true puppy. Changkyun has let him in, has let them all in and they will cherish that trust and bond with him.

Hyungwon knows he will never get tired of taking care of Changkyun. Never.

 

**iiiiii. jooheon**

 

Everything Changkyun writes down on the paper in front of him is as emotionless as he feels.

It’s repetitive, the way he scribbles out lyrics that sound so flat and lifeless and throws them in the bin with a huff. He bangs his fists on the desk and holds his head in his arms. He heaves an irrepressible sigh as he feels his eyes begin to water.

He’s frustrated with himself. Normally it only takes a few hours for him to piece together a pretty reasonable draft of a song, even on bad days. So why today, out of all days, can’t he just string some words together? He’s pathetic.

The word repeats on and on in his head like it’s stuck on a loop. Changkyun believes it.

He feels sick when he thinks of calling in Jooheon to go through his words and help him. He’s so out of it today he doesn’t want to bring Jooheon in. He can feel his frustration grow and grow until it becomes a large ball of anger. Normally he’s good at controlling his emotions and becoming stoic, but today...he just can’t hold it in. He’s worried that if he brings his hyung in, the constructive criticism will snap him in half. He’s worried his hyung will see another side of him. Will see the anxiousness buried deep in the crease of his brown, will see the streaks of tears and the rage in his eyes.

_Rage because of himself and his failure._

He doesn’t want to break down, but he can already feel the swirl of a storm pick up speed inside his heart, becoming stronger. For a moment, Changkyun thinks he has everything under control, shaking fingers tightly clenched into a fist, but suddenly there’s Jooheon’s signature knock at the door and Changkyun just wants to curl up into a ball and disappear.

"Kyunnie?” Jooheon’s voice sounds extremely muffled through the door. Just how long has Changkyun been sat there that his hyung had to come and collect him like a lost puppy? “Are you in there?”

Changkyun holds his breath and stays quiet even though he wants to cry out, wants to scream. He muffles his sudden sobs with a blanket he found in the corner, stashed away for long nights like this one. He wraps the thick fabric around himself and settles down in his chair and pulls his knees to his chest, eyes closing as another tear falls and absorbs into the black fabric.

Just as the younger thinks his hyung has left, breathing out a sigh of relief, the door opens with a click. Without warning, the soft “ _Kkukkungie?_ ” Jooheon whispers have his shoulders shaking in sadness. He wants to be held. He needs to be.

But another part of him screams at him that he should be left alone. Should isolate himself.

Jooheon can hear Changkyun’s sniffles and straight away he knows something is wrong. He’s no stranger to the younger’s emotional outbursts. They’re probably one of the closest pairs out of all the member, despite their lack of history compared to the others. Once they got past the awkwardness and apologies, they realised that they just... _clicked_. They were two puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly. The best of platonic soulmates.

Jooheon was Changkyun’s first choice to open up to. It was inevitable with the amount of time they would spend together as the only rappers in the team. Hours upon hours they spent slaving away over desks writing out lyrics and composing tracks. Along the way, they spoke personally about themselves, confided in each other. It was like they were both on the same bizarre wavelength where they just understood each other.

_Soft, sweet and gentle._

But with all the time they’ve spent together, hardly anyone has seen Changkyun angry. Like  _really_ angry. A little frustrated or irritated over things, sure. But not angry. _Not like this._

Jooheon hasn’t seen Changkyun with his teeth sunk down into his lips to suppress a snarl, tearing the skin until it bleeds. Jooheon hasn’t ever seen him rip his fingernails into the soft flesh of his palms. But he has now and it breaks his heart. The younger’s lip quivers and there are tears rolling down his cheeks, but his eyes scream rage. Hatred - _for himself_.

Changkyun watches his hyung carefully approach him like he’s some kind of feral animal ready to pounce and explode like a bomb. Changkyun hates the way it makes his chest burn, suddenly feeling so stupid and _pathetic_. _Again._ He must look scary. But it’s fine. He would react the same. He wonders if he was to be cut open his blood would be black and poisonous. He’s a burden, worthless, _pathetic_ -

His thoughts come to an abrupt halt when Jooheon suddenly lurches and pulls him into a hug. A tight, warm, comforting hug. No, Jooheon’s never seen Changkyun this angry, but he knows what it feels like. He’s been there before. He’s wanted to tear himself apart and never put himself back together again.

He takes the younger’s hands in his own, pressing his nose into his neck as he frantically calms down the erratic pulse, his heaving chest. Changkyun swallows down his bitter protests to just leave him alone and instead allows himself to just be held. He desperately wanted to be held. He couldn’t even begin to explain the feeling. It weighs down on him, heavy and unbearable.

“I can’t- hyung I _can’t_ -” Changkyun’s voice breaks as he’s pulled closer into Jooheon’s chest, choking and coughing as wet sobs rip from his throat. The tears seemed to have flushed away his feelings of anger, numbed them down so all he feels is exhaustion deep in his bones. Replaced the anger with a small flicker of what it used to be. Made it so all he feels is tired, hollow and hopeless.

“It’s okay...it’s okay,” Jooheon says, but it doesn’t even sound reassuring to his own ears. His voice wavers, thick and heavy with emotion because he hates seeing the younger like this. He feels powerless. There’s nothing he can do except hope his words are reaching Changkyun and are pulling him from the darkest pits of his mind. “You know you can talk to us right-”

“I know that!” Changkyun shouts, making Jooheon reel back in surprise. Changkyun stares at him for a while before he relaxes and lets out a shaky breath. He closes his eyes and falls against his chest, like a puppy that’s expressing its apology. “I know that, hyung.” Changkyun opens his eyes and tries to stop his fists from clenching. “I’m obviously a little more fucked up than I thought, but I’m _okay,_ really, I am…”

“ _Changkyun-_ ”

“No seriously hyung, I know that. I’m seeing a counsellor. I feel...I don’t know, but it’s not like those times before, I promise.” _It’s not like pre-debut._ Changkyun sits up, locking eyes with Jooheon. “I trust you hyung, so please trust me too. Just be there for me, that’s all I can ask, but  _please_ don’t treat me like I’m made of glass. I can’t stand it.”

“I’m sorry,” Jooheon says into the silent room, despite already knowing the younger isn’t mad at him. He could never be.

Jooheon wishes Changkyun was more open sometimes. But it doesn’t keep them from taking care of him when he needs it - even if Changkyun himself doesn’t know he does. He’s not really the overly emotional type, less sensitive, more direct, so whenever they find Changkyun like this, it is a massive fumble to figure out what’s happening and it strikes them all deep inside. It hurts. It’s painful. It always will be. Changkyun’s just always so...well, Changkyun. He’s happy and loud sometimes. Hilarious and witty.

"It’s getting bad again though isn’t it?” He announces, smoothing Changkyun’s hair down with his free hand, holding the smaller boy with the other. The younger’s nods confirm his suspicions. He looks down to find Changkyun’s eyes struggling to stay open. His body shakes now as he sniffles into the sleeve of his hoodie. “We can just sleep for a bit, that’s fine, hyung’s got you,”

That’s all Changkyun needs. Jooheon’s tone isn’t sympathetic or childish, it’s firm and soft. Like a soft breeze that caresses his cheeks as he lays them both down on the small sofa in the studio. Changkyun appreciates how understanding Jooheon has become of his moods. Since when were they all so perceptive of him?

“It hurts hyung,” Changkyun shudders, pulling him closer. He’s opening up, feeling safe enough to do so. Jooheon always has the best advice. “Why does it hurt so much?”

Jooheon can’t answer that. He doesn’t know how to. He can’t find some fantastical answer. Only the cold hard truth. _Because the world is not kind to such beautiful souls. It punishes those that don’t even deserve to be punished._

“It feels like….someone’s...someone’s ripping me apart...”

Jooheon doesn’t get to answer this time, the younger’s sobbing just...stops, voice sluggish towards the end of his sentence and Jooheon looks down to find him fast asleep, chest rattling with the exertion of his breakdown. Jooheon takes a good look at their youngest, studying him. Takes in his eyes, skin bruised beneath with sleeplessness. His sunken cheeks and blotchy face.

But he also takes in the way Changkyun’s fingers are wrapped around his thumb only, like a child holding onto their parent. He has a leg slung over his waist, caging him in as his hot breath fans over his neck. Like this, Changkyun looks younger than normal, much like a small child. There’s a cuteness to it, but also indescribable sadness.

And when the members find them a few hours later, curled up with a blanket barely covering them, the other’s happily carry them back to the dorms, tucking them in bed with a fond smile.

Changkyun really does seem to be getting better every day. That’s all they could ever ask for.

  


**bonus >**  **hoseok/** **wonho, kihyun and changkyun.**

 

Changkyun can’t remember when he first thought of Wonho and Kihyun in a different way. Can’t remember the first time he had felt something different for his hyungs. Started keeping an eye on them constantly, wanting to be close to them.

Changkyun doesn’t even remember falling in love with more than one person.

He doesn’t know how or even when it happened. There wasn’t an onslaught of emotions that hit him forcefully and instantaneously. He just loved these two men a little bit more every day over the course of their years spent together. It was something gentle, warming up his core and spreading around him. Two pairs of hands that wrap around him and offer him a home in their hearts.

And one day, specifically, he woke up full and understanding of his emotions.

Maybe he had fallen deeper when Hoseok confided in him for the first time and cried on his shoulder, or perhaps it was when Changkyun had cried in front of him pre-debut, the second hyung after Jooheon that he showed the full extent of his distress to. He had been comforted greatly then with a firm hand on his back, rubbing small circles to calm him down.

For Kihyun, maybe Changkyun knew he liked him when he had accepted him quicker than the others, telling him to join them in the living room on that first day, being the first to speak a sentence to him that sent off a chain of reactions for the others. Or perhaps it was when the elder had come to check up on him and they ended up having the most awkward, yet wholesome talk that ended in a stronger bond, mutual respect and warmth.

Maybe it was when Changkyun could always feel two pairs of eyes on him, watching when they thought he didn’t notice. He always noticed though, how could he not? The two were always so affectionate with him, clinging onto him whenever they get the chance. Hoseok’s eyes penetrate through him, so sensitive and pretty. It pulls Changkyun in. Kihyun holds him so gently, nags him constantly but changkyun knows it’s out of love. Care.

Kisses weren’t an unusual act between the members. It was as natural as anything else they did. A kiss on the cheek was simple. A kiss on the forehead? It was perfect after a long day. With the title of 'idol' looming over their heads at all time, it was hard to find those moments where they could find privacy to release the frustrations pent up in their tense bones, but they all made it work. All found ways around each other, even with each other.

With them, nothing was unusual. They didn’t have to utter a word, it was just a silent thing they all agreed to. It reminds Changkyun of the times when they all drink. They don’t talk, just take in the pleasantness the quiet atmosphere offers them, holding hands as they giggle into cups of liquor that burn their throats. They don’t know what left them feeling warmer. The liquor, or the touch of their hands roaming everywhere.

Some of them didn’t know how to express their affections for the younger beside just touching him, holding him close. Letting him know through the softness of their actions that they love him. Others used words, and a lot of them, constantly reminding him how important and loved he is. He buried those words deep in him hoping it would help with silencing the negatives that come every so often. It does, sometimes. Affection helps. The holding, the cuddles, the kissing. It all helps but it doesn’t completely solve everything.

It never does. And that’s fine. It’s not a cure.

But Kihyun and Hoseok, they gave Changkyun different kisses. He didn’t even know when that started happening. Changkyun just knew he accepted it without a second thought.

If he searches deep in his memories, he can remember the first time something had changed between them. He’s sure they had been curled up on Changkyun’s bed, the three of them too big to fit, too cramped but they held onto each other. Even if the darkness of the room, breaths hitting the sides of Changkyun’s neck, they weren’t uncomfortable in the slightest. Sure, limbs were poking in different places a little, but they all had these pleased smiles as they realised that they fit pretty perfectly together. Albeit different body sizes, it was perfect. At that moment, everything felt right. Even when his hyung’s had kissed the skin of his neck, locking eyes to confirm everything, _anything,_ Changkyun nodded for them to continue, losing himself in the feeling of his hyung’s loving him desperately.

Maybe that was when Changkyun truly realised, he was completely, utterly, _totally_ in love with them both. It's a miracle they reciprocated these feelings.

Hoseok captured his lips with his own, softly tugging his bottom lip, causing him to gasp as he slipped his tongue in at the opening, groaning deeply into his mouth. There was a burning fire igniting inside Changkyun, tugging him closer, grinding back into Kihyun who attacked his neck in kisses, causing him to moan louder into Hoseok’s plush lips.

They pulled apart breathless, eyes pooling with lust. An uncontainable fire and love.

After that, it just became a regular thing for them. It wasn’t that much of a surprise to them, they always felt different. Hoseok was the most sensitive out of them all, so him giving such passionate kisses or stares wasn’t something that truly shocked changkyun. He took care of them all. Kihyun, he’s always eager to help, always makes sure they’re fed and happy. On the days they aren’t, and the sadness takes over, Kihyun selflessly gives himself to them, helps in making them feel just a little less lonely.

His hyungs are so expressive with their love, so bright and Changkyun, he followed them, no longer afraid to wear his heart on his sleeve, show his discomfort, shout his opinions. He learnt that of course, he mattered too. Whenever Changkyun finds his hyungs asleep next to him when he wakes up in the morning, curled up against them, breathing softly against his neck, looking young and peaceful, Changkyun just knew something else was going on between them. Something different. Something unexplainable.

He knew the love for his hyungs was stronger, deeper, something less platonic and more romantic. It did nothing but confuse him for months, distancing himself from their touches but also accepting them hungrily as if he hadn’t eaten in months. Changkyun didn’t know what his mind wanted, what his heart wanted, all he knew is that his hyungs lips on his just felt right. The three of them together felt right.

And one night, they talked, cuddled and cried. Everything had built up and nearly exploded, but Changkyun confided in them, found his place in the middle of them. It wasn’t perfect all the time, nothing could ever be, but they mixed well, found ways to make it work. This wasn’t something any of them wanted to lose. They fought to make it work for them. Not everyone happens to find their soulmates.

As cheesy as it sounded to them, it really felt like they were meant for each other.

 

_soulmates perhaps._

 

-

 

Kihyun and Hoseok share soft smiles of fondness as they watch their Changkyunnie asleep in their arms. It’s cramped on his single bed with all three of their bodies pressed together tightly, but they wouldn’t have it any other way. Neither of them can really remember how they got here in the first place, but as the drowsiness wears off, it comes back to them suddenly. Changkyun had looked pretty out of it when he started dragging his hyungs to bed, telling them to sleep with him if they wanted.

Without being told twice, they joined him with gleaming smiles.

They found they couldn’t refuse, being extremely tired themselves as they trundled off to the bathroom to brush their teeth and change before they slipped under the covers with Changkyun in the middle. As always. It’s not long before they’re sharing kisses and soft touches, Changkyun’s soft panting filling up the emptiness of the room as the boy’s body shakes under their touch, melting and relaxing, pliant under their tender touches. They smirk in delight as the younger comes undone beneath their fingers, crying softly.

Continuing until satisfied with a slight sheen of sweat clinging to them, Changkyun allows the pleasant hum he feels through him, a lazy smirk on his face as it becomes his turn to press kisses onto his hyung’s bodies, touching them as softly as they did him, giggling at their whimpers and quiet moans, quieting themselves as they all pull each other closer, releasing and cleaning, talking for a few minutes before they eventually allow the dark waves of sleep to take them all under.

Hoseok and Kihyun are always the first ones to wake up. It’s weird considering how light of a sleeper Changkyun is, highly sensitive to light and noise, more so than Kihyun, but when the younger’s so out of it, it takes a while for him to open his eyes. There’s a little bit of light pouring in through the slightly opened crack of the curtain, signifying dawn has come. Both Hoseok and Kihyun offer sweet smiles and grumbles of ‘good morning’ before they look down between them to see the younger sleeping soundly, a small smile tugging his lips up.

They don’t have the heart to wake him up so they can be on time for their schedule, but they know it needs to be done. Their dongsaeng hardly complains when awoken, but it’s harder for all of them when they wake up together, just wanting to return to the tranquil world of sleep.

Changkyun opens his eyes and immediately closes them.

He doesn’t want to wake up, not really, but it has to be done. Even if his body feels a thousand pounds heavier than the day before, even if his mind is full of static, he wakes himself up slowly, telling himself to take it easy.

He feels like a little kid sometimes. Kihyun comes back for him, already knowing the mess of emotions he feels inside as he silently works around him, kissing him sweetly before he tugs him towards the shower, waits for him to dry off and change before a bowl of cereal is placed in front of him. He’s attacked almost instantly after by six older men, six bodies, kissing his cheeks and praising his handsome looks. With morning’s like these, everything feels just a little lighter.

Changkyun knows this journey will be long and hard sometimes, but he has to learn to accept this darkness within him because it’s not something that will leave him as easily as the common cold. Some days will be worse than others - that’s just how it goes. Nothing can cure this as quickly as he wants it to and he needs to learn to accept that and not run from it.

_Changkyun understands now that when things get too much, his hyungs will remind him that he isn’t as alone as he thinks he is._

Changkyun also knows that life will never be as simple as a walk in the park, not at all, especially when his park is littered with thorns and obstacles and many destructive distractions. But he’s quick to realise that life gets that little bit easier after a while, especially when he has six shoulders to lean on and the special love from two hearts to help him recover again.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! First of all, thank you for reading! Please leave kudos/comments if you have the time <3
> 
> Second of all, there are a few things I want to address, as I always do when I write fics that focus on mental health. 
> 
> 1\. Mental health isn't beautiful, nor should it be romanticised AT ALL. It's serious and scary for a lot of us that are struggling. 
> 
> 2\. Love doesn't fix everything. It's not a magical cure, but it does help some people to take the first steps into recovery. Having support is incredibly beneficial. No way am I trying to romanticise mental health. I hope I've made that clear in my writing, however, if there are things to criticise me on, please do! I don't want to cause a misunderstanding. I myself suffer from depression and mostly use my own experiences when writing. I completely understand people's experiences are different!
> 
> 3\. If anyone out there needs anyone to talk to, I am ALWAYS here. No matter the time, place, whoever you are, I am here. You are not an inconvenience and you truly are not alone. Social media allows you to be anonymous, so if you are struggling, please reach out to others. You can find me on Twitter at @gukkieandtae if you prefer to message there rather than here. 
> 
> 4\. I hope you enjoyed this fic! I loved writing something so realistic whilst including topics that people need to be educated on. I had no intentions of making a poly fic but!! here i am surprising myself. I just love Changkyun and his two hyung's dynamics when they're all together :( truly special. 
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/wonhosguk?s=09) [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/gukkieandtae)


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